How To Lose A Demon-Free Serial Romance

Don’t ever let anyone tell you that being a witch will make your life easier. It’s about as fun as a visit to a drunken Proctologist. It’s my own fault, I suppose. I am the one that summoned the demon.

You must understand that Michael drove me to it. He’s my still kind of hot, but completely evil, Russian mobster ex-boyfriend. He’s stolen our son and wants me to sacrifice myself so he can buy his demonhood before he’ll give him back. I figured what better way to get him back than by summoning a demon?

Well, that presented its own bag of problems. I didn’t get just any demon. I got Caspian, a Crown Prince of Hell who didn’t want my soul, but wanted me to ride his pitchfork like a scooter, if you get my drift. Maybe it’s more like a Harley. I have to confess that it’s still a beautiful piece of machinery even though it hasn’t been out of the garage since 1972. You know, the devil-shagging gothics were all the rage then.

Anyway, Michael is plagued by all sorts of punishment. Demonic crabs, explosive diarrhea during the opera that’s nothing short of Hiroshimic and a reanimated hooker. Michael murdered her and she’s found sweet revenge as a Dominatrix demon in the afterlife. All of which drive him to the conclusion that I did summon a demon and while singing Are You Lonesome Tonight in my ear, tells me I have ten days to get rid of the demon or he’s going to kill our son.

I’m not sure how to get rid of him. I contemplated bad sex, that makes almost anything male go away, but I decided that would have to be the centerpiece jewel in the Hurts Me More Than You crown.

The cast of characters includes my grandmother, Seraphim, who just happens to be a legendary witch known as the Baba Yaga. And you know how that devil shagging was all the rage? Well, she knows the Devil personally. He might be my grandfather. He’s a remnant from the old pantheon days and still likes to be called Hades. It’s just a job to him, really. He’s not too happy that someone in his employ is having his sulphuric way with his granddaughter though. He’s willing to tolerate it because Caspian starts to grow a heart, a very uncomfortable transformation for all involved.

Ultimately, it’s the key to my happily ever after. The road to one of those is never easy, but banter, smutty Mephistophelean contracts and hijinks ensue.

~Grace Stegaria

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