Letting Go

I pulled blue guy out of retirement today. There he was nestled amongst the pink, blue, lace, leopard and zebra striped fabrics of my panty drawer.

Removing my shorts and t-shirt, I placed my mp3 headset on and picked him up; tip-toeing hesitantly into the bathroom. The house was quiet, so very quiet; the boys halfway through their camp day.

I turned the bath water on and sat upon the edge of the tub. I looked at blue guy in my hands and I thought of you. Climbing in, I turned the shower on and laid down in the bottom of the tub; positioning myself so that I wouldn’t get my headphones wet. I pulled the plug to turn on the shower and the water was warm and soothing.

It had been so long; turning blue guy on at the lowest setting, I laid him upon my clit allowing him to softly rest within my golden curls. I closed my eyes, willing each drop of water that fell from above to be the gentle touch of your lips; soft and teasing. I ached inside, hating myself for missing you, for wanting you.

I could feel the slow vibration and the water warming me, tingling, melting through my bravado; daring me to be receptive. I could smell you; feel your skin close to mine. As my resolve began to crumble I turned blue guy at its base increasing his speed and began to move him back and forth rubbing my clit, feeling it begin to tense and to throb.
My stomach clenched, I felt my muscles tighten. I could hear you telling me I am beautiful in that way that you seem to melt through my disbelief. I could hear you say “I love you” and it made my heart ache.

I tried to concentrate on the rhythm, feeling my heart beat faster, my back arching, spreading my legs to the very edges of the tub walls. I rested my other hand on the top of my pubic hair line. In that place where I would brush your face as if you were there, right there; with your warm lips and tongue nibbling on my flesh. My hand was poised to push you away as I often did, when the intensity of your kiss and the passion with which you devoured me would push me right to the edge.

As I turned blue guy up to its highest speed, I clenched tight with my thighs and my whole body tensed as if I needed to desperately hold on to a moment that must never pass. I felt that physical overwhelming need to fall off of the precipice. I waited to hear the words that you would always whisper in my ear “let go, just breathe, it’s okay to let go”.

But they never came, the words weren’t there and in the cooling spray from the water above, I turned to my side and cried. The bass and drums of the Cranberries reverberating in my head, “I have to decided to leave you forever; I have decided to start things from here….”

I miss you.

I let go.